Wednesday, March 4, 2009

(un)certainty

We had our post-failed-IVF-#2 meeting with our Doctor this morning. Dr. Mersol-Barg is a good man. I'm not keen on putting names into my blog, but I'd like to mention his, since he inserted so much compassion into the process. He took the edge off of the whole thing in a big way. We have no regrets about our decision to pursue the second round, and we have full confidence that if anyone was going to get us pregnant, it was Dr. Mersol-Barg. If you're in Southeast Michigan, and looking for infertility care, we highly recommend him (and we've been under the care of three doctors, so we know)

Anyways, the meeting revealed little we didn't already know. There is a "chronic egg issue" - they knew it as soon as they "cleared" the eggs following retrieval. The eggs had a yellow color, which is something embryologists don't really understand ... it might have something to do with cholesterol, but nobody really knows. Bottom line: Given this egg issue, assisted reproductive technologies can do little to help us.

He talked for a while about donor eggs. Prior to going to the meeting we sort of agreed that we weren't really interested in them, but as Dr. MB states, until you're on the edge of the cliff, you don't really know what you will decide or how you will react. He said it was his duty, and responsibility to describe the options we had available to us. Now that we're taking in the view from the cliff's edge, donor eggs are something we are going to leave on the table for the time being. I want to clearly state something: I have no "need" for a child that is genetically tied to me - that is not the reason for considering donor eggs. Technologies for egg freezing have improved drastically in the past 12 months. Our clinic is doing a trial in this area and they are seeking participants. We are candidates for this trial, and could receive some economic relief by participating. The process could commence very soon, and offers some very attractive odds for success, and eliminates variables out of your control when pursuing adoption (i.e. health screening, drug records, healthy pregnancy behaviors, etc.)

We have some talking to do, and some decisions to make. There are a lot of things to consider with either option ... how do you handle telling children of donor eggs about the nature of their "coming into the world"? Similar questions abound for adoption.

The choices are certain to be difficult ... but as the Bachelor Jason "Douche Bag" Mesnik states, this process is about tough choices. We are still going to pursue adoption, but, we might explore this donor egg thing a little bit too ... I'm leaving the decision to my wife, as I am completely at peace with any route we follow. My wife and I want a family - we know now that the path we have to follow to get there will be unconventional. Now we need just pick the flavor of unconventional we like best.

Will keep you posted.

10 comments:

Xbox4NappyRash said...

That's a lot to take in.

I admire your attitude greatly.

As always, best of luck to you both.

Teri said...

It's a difficult decision - but from one who's attempted IVF with donor eggs I just wanted to comment. Telling children about this would be similar to telling them about adoption. There are wonderful children's books out there that talk about a "gift" of a egg that a nice woman gives to mommy... I believe that hurdle is surmountable, but of course the ultimate decision is still there - which very emotionally fraught path to choose. I wish you the very best of luck - whatever path you take.

PVED Mom said...

Hi there - A regular reader of yours sent me over to reach out and extend a hand.

My name is Marna, I run a non-profit called PVED (Parents Via Egg Donation). We provide support for parents and parents to be who are choosing to use an egg donor to create their family.

I'd be happy to offer any information about egg donation that you'd need.

Being a mom via egg donation, I can assure you it's a wonderful experience -- hang in there, yes there are tough choices to be made but making them together with your partner makes all the difference in the world.

Take care and if you need us you can find us at www.pved.org

kjames106 said...

I'll be praying for you and your wife. I hope God gives you a clear picture and peace as to what you should do to bring on parenthood.

itsazooaroundhere said...

Well, just keep following the good word of Jason "tool" Mesnik, you can't go wrong ;)

I do understand the struggle to decide what to do. As the spouse of someone who also might need the help of a donor, the issues are definitely complex. I'm sure that you and your wife will find the way that is right for you, and I'm wishing you both so much luck.

Just keep the lines of communication open, because using a donor and losing that bio-link can be painful and difficult to work through. Take care!

littlezen said...

It's a tough route no matter what way you go. I have similar feelings as the other commenter (Teri). I was one who chose the "sure thing" and went straight to adoption. Even that isn't always a sure thing, we were involved in an adoption scam, and turned to DI as our second choice. I too educated myself about telling a child he/she was concieved via a donor and/or adoption. No matter what it's tough. You guys aren't alone in feelings. Good luck!! BTW, we were not successful with IVF and DI so we returned to adoption. We are again waiting. The only thing I know is that it will happen. I know it will one way or another. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Wow. I'm so sorry for all you two have been through. Hang in there and just trust the strength of your relationship to help you through these difficult decisions.

My wife and I are starting our 2nd IVF cycle. Our first cycle was unsuccessful and we took a few months off to relax. We had 3 unexplained miscarriages prior to starting IVF. Best part was that the OBGYN told us that 3 miscarriages was 'normal', or at least nothing to get worried about.

I'll keep you both in my thoughts as you face decisions. While our experience is a bit different, I feel a kinship in reading your blog, and want you to hear that you are not alone. Peace.

I Believe in Miracles said...

I'm sorry to hear this as I've been catching up on blogs. Best of luck as you make the decision on whichever path you choose.

Kat470 said...

I just spent close to an hour catching up on your story. I'm so sorry for this most recent outcome. :-( It's amazing how similar our stories are. My husband and I are now gearing up for IVF #1. Scary stuff. I wish you and your wife the best.
www.iwannabeamommy.wordpress.com

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